


Crazy in Love

by orphan_account



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, putting this up as mature just in case but deadpool's dick really only has a bit part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-05-31
Packaged: 2018-01-27 18:13:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1718792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool's enjoying winning his bet with Spider-Man more than he thought he would, when the loser in question walks in on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crazy in Love

**Author's Note:**

> visual/audio aid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdiGBI6yngw , to properly capture my artistic vision listen to 'Crazy in Love' on repeat while reading. Then adhere to the request in the further notes I've left for you at the end.

The text Deadpool receives is short and to the point. Five words, “It’s done, check my Facebook.”

‘His’ Facebook being, of course, the official Spiderman Facebook set up pretty much entirely to disprove imposter accounts. It had been used just enough to prove it was real, acquire roughly a bajillion friend requests, and then never be touched again.

Until today, when a youtube video- apparently filmed on someone’s roof, if the still was any indicator- was posted with the only commentary being a defeated-looking ‘I lost a bet.’.

_{Oh, did he ever.}_

It had been a hot dog eating contest, a challenge Wade had thrown out on a whim one day and Spider-Man had taken him up on. If Spidey won, Deadpool couldn’t take any more jobs in New York for a year- although Spidey made it clear that he was totally allowed to continue living there. If Wade won, Spider-Man had to do anything- within certain parameters mostly involving no one getting hurt and his identity staying a secret- Wade dared him to.

By all rights, Spider-Man should have won. His powers came with a constant drastically increased metabolism, whereas Deadpool only ate enough to satiate an elephant when he’d just gotten done regrowing something.

But, to put it simply, Deadpool had _wanted it more._

He’d won by a sliver, privately decided to turn down jobs set in New York for awhile anyway, and gave Spider-Man his dare. It could definitely have been worse: Spider-Man had to post up a video for the whole world to see of him performing the same routine as that Chris Koo guy on youtube to ‘Crazy in Love’, somewhere official so people would believe it was really him. Spidey had whined and groaned and mocked, but he hadn’t contested the decision.

That was about three weeks ago. Apparently Spidey needed time to practice his moves.

Now, Wade let out a gleefully manly giggle as he pressed play.

It started with Spidey’s back to the camera, hip jutted out and his fantastic booty on display. Deadpool took a moment during the countdown to note that Spidey seemed to have a cut on his thigh that had ripped a small tear in his costume and that- as always- Spidey’s butt was _rocking it_. Then the hip gyrations started.

And-

and-

Uh-oh.

_Uh oh._

_[Oh no no.]_

At twenty seconds in Wade realised that he’d made a terrible mistake. But by then, he was entranced.

He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting when he put out that dare. Something awkward and uncomfortable, he guessed. Deadpool had been spending more time just hanging out with Spider-Man lately and he was a surprisingly dorky, self-conscious guy. It had actually made Deadpool’s no-homo friend-crush on the guy way worse, but he’d hoped it would play to his advantage here.

_[Apparently, give the guy enough time to mull over his fate, and Spidey will instead decide to just completely fail to give a single shit.]_

_{I’m not really seeing the problem here.}_

The problem was pretty clear to Wade, tenting his boxer shorts and becoming increasingly severe at the sight of Spider-Man dancing like Beyoncé.

_{Eh, fuck it. Who’s around to judge you?}_

_[Besides us.]_

_{We’re always judging you.}_

The judgemental dicks had a point. Wade waited for the video to finish, looked around to make absolutely sure there was no-one else in the apartment, then pulled himself out of the underwear and hit the play button again.

**A trip to youtube repeat and several minutes later.**

“Wow, Deadpool, if you wanted a private show you coulda just _asked_. Or are you a fellow proponent of the ideology ‘Take a Picture, It’ll Last Longer’?”

Wade had a gun fished out from the couch cushions and pointed at Spider-Man’s head before he could get ‘wow’ out. Which didn’t seem to discourage the other man at all, but did make him feel better. He tucked his still embarrassingly- uncomfortably, sensitively- hard and now leaking dick back into his boxers and continued to feel overly exposed with nothing but his underwear and mask on.

If Spidey ralphed all over his couch just because he didn’t have the sense to knock and let him get dressed, he was buying Wade a new one. Nevermind that said couch had seen much, much worse stains than spider vomit.

After an uncomfortably long pause, Wade spoke. “This… isn’t… what it looks like?”

“Is that what you’re going with?” Spidey leaned against the back of the couch in a way that made his butt squish up against it. Very attractively. Oh no. His boner was not going away anytime soon. “Do tell.”

“Well you see, I was already-uh, suffering a debilitating case of priapism when your message arrived.” Wade grinned beneath the mask at his own genius. “And since my ginormous schlong wasn’t going anywhere, I figured I would watch you humiliate yourself to pass the time. But! While I was laughing myself sick at how- just- _really_ ridiculous you looked, I had an idea: I’ve got a healing factor, I can just cut my dick off!”

Spider-Man let out a bark of laughter. “Are you kidding me?”

“No! No, seriously, just watch-” And then Wade yanked out a hunting knife he had stuffed in the arm of his couch and dropped the gun so he could grip the hem of his boxer shorts, mentally preparing himself as he hefted the blade-

“HolyshitWade!” Spidey dived over the couch and caught him by the wrist. “Do not cut your dick off to sell your unconvincing lie!”

“Well apparently I _need_ to cut my dick off to sell my unconvincing lie, because you don’t believe me!”

...

_{Wow.}_

“...um. I call a do-over?” Wade’s voice lilted up hopefully at the end, buy Spidey just shook his head.

“No do-overs, Wade. We are going to have a conversation. Like adults.”

“I dunwanna.”

“Yeah, well, suck it up. We’re doing this.” The spider lowered himself onto the couch and attempted to pull the knife out of Deadpool’s hand, but he kept up his grip fast, “Little bit creepy, Wade. But. Okay?”

There was a thick pause, and then Deadpool sighed and looked down. His boner was finally fading, thank merciful fuck. “Yeah, fine. Let’s hear it.”

Spider-Man tilted his head suspiciously. “Hear what? Wade, what do you think I’m about to say to you?”

Deadpool snorted. “The same ‘I’m just not that into you.’ line I get from all the real polite folks who don’t wanna say I make them feel like they’ll heave. What else?”

“That isn’t- look.” Spider-Man sighed and held out a hand, gesturing at Deadpool’s mask. “May I?”

Deadpool slouched, and shrugged, and nodded. Spidey’d already gotten to see his face a few times before- if never so up close- and really, at this point Wade was almost naked anyway so what was one more article of clothing?

Even the one keeping his face safe from prying eyes.

“Thank-you, Wade.” Spidey reached out and gently pulled Wade’s mask up and over his head, setting it to the side and then reaching up to cup his jaw in one hand. Wade tried not to flinch. “I’ve been working up the nerve to do this for awhile, but I wanted your mask off when I did.”

Wade let out a nervous laugh. “Working up the nerve to do what? Fondle my jawli-” And then he shut up for once, because Spider-Man’s unoccupied hand was coming up to pull off his own mask.

“This.” The mask was off. The mask was off and Spidey was smiling at him, all adorable dimples and big doe-eyes. He was- shit, he was gorgeous. He was gorgeous and he was trusting Wade of all people to look at his pretty face which made it even better.

“Holy shit, Spidey. I don’t-”

“Peter.” Spide- Peter, apparently- corrected, and then he was leaning in and pressing his lips to Wade’s.

_{Wait, wha -huh?}_

_[Has this whole conversation been one giant ongoing hallucination? ‘Cause I hate it when that happens.]_

There was a hefty pause before Wade decided that, fuck it, he’d definitely indulged way less pleasant hallucinations in the past. Might as well roll with this one. So he kissed back and wrapped an arm around Peter and, gosh, the other man certainly _felt_ real enough.

Said man was pulling him closer, lips moving against his as he cupped the back of Wade’s neck and pressed their chests together. Apparently Spider-Man was a hell of a kisser, or else Wade had been sorta kinda dreaming about this moment for long enough that anything would have knocked his socks off, but the feel of muscles moving under spandex and also the fact that his lap was being straddled abruptly reminded him that he was only wearing his underwear.

Wade pulled back, dazed. “Are we- is this really happening? Because usually around this point Thor walks in with a plate full of tacos and we all have an awesome food-sexy threesome, so if this is a dream then I am feeling like my brain really screwed me over on the tacos.”

“I certainly hope it’s real. Like I said, I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to kiss you for ages. I’d comment on the fact that you apparently have sex dreams about Thor, but-”

“Everyone has sex dreams about Thor.”

“-yeah, that.” Peter smiled fondly, apparently enchanted by Wade’s ability to finish his sentences. Wade wondered if he always looked at him like that and the loss of the mask just made it easier to see, or if kissing just made Spidey a bit giddy.

“Look, uh, Petey, I- ages, really?” Wade couldn’t even begin to keep the skepticism out of his voice.

Peter’s smile only widened at the nickname, thumb stroking the back of his neck in a way that Wade had to consciously force himself not to lean into. “Well, yeah.I mean- I couldn’t tell you an exact date, it sort of snuck up on me, but- at least since that gang situation you helped me with way back in January? When you tased that guy and mentioned you’d been keeping some non-lethal tricks up your sleeve in case I needed a hand, since I got angry even when you shot people in non-vital areas? I almost planted one on you right there. Which would have been… very inappropriate, seeing as how we were surrounded by a bunch of very angry, armed men at the time.”

“Hey, you don’t know, maybe they were all secret romantics at heart and the sight would’ve made them lay down their guns right away.” Wade ran his mouth while his brain tried to process the idea that freaking Spider-Man had been harboring a crush on him for over four months, now. Even as long ago as that, Peter’d gotten a glimpse at what he looked like under the Deadpool costume, too. It was… unbelievable.

“I’ll admit, I’d never really considered cheesiness as a combat strategy, I’ll be sure to keep it in mind for next time.”

“...Yeah. You sure you didn’t face any baddies who mind-whammied you back in January, Spidey?” Wade’s hands had come to rest on Peter’s costume-clad things, and they fidgeted nervously on them while he spoke.

“Yes, Wade. I’m sure.” Peter’s smile was drooping a little, getting sadder. Wade immediately mentally kicked himself for dampening his good mood. “I- dunno if you can believe me, but I really do want to do this with you. I’m- I mean, I don’t wanna rush into things, but. I’d really like to make out some more, maybe?” Wade was sort of personally cataloging all of Peter’s facial expressions and he definitely preferred the way he looked now, a mix of suggestive, shy, and hopeful that had Wade wanting to do everything he asked.

So Wade let out a breathless “Anything you want, baby boy.” and they both leaned in, and everything seemed to fade out except the two of them-

and- 

wait.

As one, they both stopped to turn and look at Wade’s computer. It was sporting the same video of Spider-Man dancing as it had when Peter first walked in on him, and a truly impressive number of loops, at this point. It had been playing this whole time.

“... okay but maybe turn that off first.”

“Can do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Someone take me out back and shoot me, I need to be put down.
> 
> That over with, uh. It started with 'Spider-Man dancing like Chris Koo' and sort of... got away from me from there. I have no real explanation. To be honest, I must've blacked out at some point while writing this, because I can't remember a thing. I mean, it wasn't until I was washing the blood off my hands that I even knew they were dead.
> 
> ...erm.


End file.
